Cursed (2005)

What have I gotten myself into this time? It was a regular monday night and at that point I actually felt like watching a 21st century Wes Craven flick with Jesse -buttfuck- Eisenberg. People rarely make mistakes of these epic proportions. Starring Christina Ricci, Werewolves and a whole bunch of fails.. This is; ‘Cursed’.

I’s a clear night and Ellie (Ricci) and her brother Jimmy (Eisenberg) decide to drive around without paying any attention to the road. They hit a deer and crash onto the incoming traffic, a.k.a Shannon Elizabeth. During their attempt to save her from the wreckage a mysterious creature comes in and rips her apart as they try to hold on. Both Ellie and Jimmy survive, but not without any consequences.

The story progresses as both of the main characters begin to feel different. Of course it’s all a 100% clear for the audience where this is going, including the typical denying, the ‘’hihi you said werewolf’’ disbelieve from everyone around them and the cliché conclusion. Why Wes? Why did you even start with this project?

Was there really a group of horrorfans waiting for another half-assed CGI werewolf flick? You can’t say it’s a personal project that failed, it constantly reeks of studio-influences. Too bad they don’t know shit. The only remaining question is; where does one start a rant, when everything is pretty much horrible?

Jesse Eisenberg is probably problem number one. Who actually likes to see this kid? Who can put up a serious-face and state: Jesse Eisenberg knows what acting really is. You can’t…you just can’t. Christina -mouseface- Ricci isn’t that interesting either. In the end it is nothing but a little stain on a big pile of poo. CGI-poo of course.

After watching ‘Premutos’, earlier this week, it’s just beyond me why it isn’t possible for big-budget directors to come up with great practical effects. The Werewolf is cartoonish, the gore is forgetable and this of course results in no tension whatsoever. Where’s the thrill? And in any other case: Where’s the fun?


It might just be missing ‘a’ focus. It’s not directly aiming for a traditional thrill, nor is it a gorefest, nor does it contain any witty writing. It’s all sooo familiar, and it was never any good to begin with. So, watching these kind of events unfold AGAIN just feels unbelievably annoying. How could the director of some of the greatest classics end up being lost in his own genre.

There’s no end to it, the shit keeps pouring down on you. There’s no satisfation, no ‘feeling’, it’s just a bland piece of modern horror. I’m almost afraid to watch ‘My Soul to Take’ and I guess Scream 4 will also have to wait for a while, I still have to heal from this abomination.

Score: 35/100